The Floor Wars Saga: Episode Three - Return of the Insanity

After three days of living in tetris-style hell, the CL (Crazy Landlady) finally decides to get something done on the floor. But before she does...

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"This flooring has a 10-year warranty, you know." Mm-hmm. That's nice. "It needs special treatment to preserve the warranty." Oh, great. Here it comes. "I have a print-out from the manufacturer. You'll have to follow all of the instructions exactly."

I have actually paraphrased the above slightly. The CL did indeed say all of that, but she took much longer and inserted many more words.

Also, she announces, the floor will need to be glued down and I'm not allowed to set ONE FOOT on it until it has set for 24 hours. Meaning, when I leave Sunday morning, I will need prepared meals for the day, plus plans for supper, plus have packed the next day's breakfast and lunch. The only advantage here being that the fridge is currently in the living room as well.

This conversation is also peppered with the warnings, instructions, and caveats of owning such an esteemed piece of flooring. I'm starting to wonder why the manufacturer of this linoleum markets it for kitchen use. Clearly it would be better suited to a museum as a wall hanging, with stand-away ropes and stanchions guarding its majesty.

Upon arriving home Sunday night, exhausted, I am told that the floor is installed but not yet glued down. I may walk upon it. (Oh, may I? I bow to the floor in gratitude.)

CL comes upstairs to give me further instructions. I find that I need to buy a new broom, as she has broken mine. "It must have been cracked," she explains. "It snapped right apart." Interesting. I have been given orders to sweep the floor DAILY. And vacuum the floor next to the kitchen. DAILY. "You can't allow any dirt or gravel to be tracked across it," she warns. Since my back door/main entrance opens directly to the kitchen, I'm finding it pretty unlikely that the floor will remain perfectly clear of debris.

And I wish this was the end of the saga. I really do. But, like Star Wars itself, the franchise keeps growing. The last thing she says to me, as I stand on my empty (museum-quality) kitchen floor with appliances surrounding my loveseat:

"I'm pretty busy for the next little while. I don't think I'll be finishing this until April 27."

Sure. It seems perfectly reasonable to expect your tenant to live in that condition for another 3 weeks. Absolutely.

Give me a light sabre. Somebody. ANYBODY.